Spare Me Your Bullshit Star Wars Theory

“What’s up Youtube? I’m Zac from JediGeek and today I’m gonna be looking at ten reasons why Obi Wan Kenobi was totally hot for Anakin Skywalker.”

Surf to Youtube lately and it’s impossible not to catch a screen full of babbling twerps spruiking ludicrous speculations regarding the plots of the Star Wars saga.

Jar Jar was a Sith Lord. Yoda was dead the whole time. Chewbacca was an imperial spy. Yoda was a Sith Lord. Boba Fett killed Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. Luke was a Sith Lord. R2-D2 was a Sith Lord.

Welcome to the world of totally overthinking it.

Many of these clips fire up with the promise that “this mind blowing theory will completely change the way you look at Star Wars”.

Not quite. More like “this overly elaborate bong rant will explain a plot hole in a way that you will find briefly diverting but which you will completely disregard as plausible”.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a lifelong Star Wars fan. I can remember buying the collectors cards from my local milk bar in the eighties. I recall the texture of the dry, powdery chewing gum they came with, which passed through my digestive tract sometime around the release of The Phantom Menace. I had a Star Wars themed doona on my bed well into high school. I even remember the theme song from the ‘Ewoks’ cartoon.

However, all of these jabbering Youtube mooks looking for a use for the critical analysis skills provided by their arts degrees are starting to take the sheen off the whole thing for me.

A little bit of extra information or theorising about one of your favourite movies can be a good thing. I laughed heartily when I noticed for the first time the stormtrooper conking his head as he enters the guard tower on the Death Star. And I raised a curious eyebrow when I heard Luke call Leia ‘Carrie’.  Thanks for the heads up, The Internet.

But now it’s just getting ridiculous.

2015 saw the welcome return of an adequately plotted Star Wars movie to our cinemas. Of course, now that there are more Youtubers than people with real jobs in the world, the lead-up and subsequent release of Episode VII “The Profit Unleashed” has brought with it a mudslide of videos examining the minutiae of every trailer, every film, every spin-off book, and every TV offering ever released including the ‘Wookie Life Day’ Christmas special.

5 Reasons Why Darth Maul Really Wanted To Get Chopped In Half.

13 Hidden Messages In The Hairstyles Of Princess Leia.

Everything You Wanted To Know About The Revenge Of The Sith (But Were Too Asleep To Ask).

Go on. Tell me about that episode of Clone Wars from season three that totally backs up your theory. Toss in a quote from that video game you had on the Nintendo 64. And didn’t something happen on page 63 of Heir to the Empire that’s vaguely related to your idea? Better work that in, too.

In the meantime, here are 5 reasons of my own to back up my theory that your theory, whatever it may be, is actually bullshit.

  1. Star Wars is a popcorn entertainment, no more. It’s not Finnegan’s Wake. It wasn’t created to be endlessly dissected and deconstructed. You’re looking for layers that aren’t there.
  2. George Lucas didn’t have the whole saga worked out from the start. The series is not a document of a contingent historical sequence, rather a bunch of imaginative products that appear in the realm of pop-culture over time. Boba Fett did not kill Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, quite simply because he wasn’t conceived of as a character at the time the first movie was made.
  3. Your elaborate theory is intended to justify the glaring plot holes that populate the movies. What’s more likely, that the execrable Jar-Jar was a Sith Lord, or that he was actually a comic-relief take on Buster Keaton that fell flat with audiences? Meesa thinka de latta.
  4. George Lucas is an appalling writer. Check out the dialogue in Attack of the Clones and tell me I’m wrong. He didn’t have the chops to conceive of the level of intricate detail that many of these fanboy wet dreams depend on.
  5. You don’t believe your own theory. How could you? It’s clearly bullshit. But the whole reason you have gone to the trouble of filming and editing your clip is not to reveal the truth, but to show off your awesome powers of fanboy conjecture. I blame Quentin Tarantino for popularising this practice.

Of course, now that Disney own the rights to the franchise, there will be a Star Wars release every year from now until the fall of civilisation, with enough ‘theory’ clips to fill all the servers of Silicon Valley. And as the list of canon characters grows, Youtubers will be looking for and finding more hidden Sith Lords than there were commies in Fifties Hollywood.

Spare me.